So much of my life is dependent on variables that I have little or no control over. It's overwhelming to think that my life could be forever changed by one little thing. I suppose this is always true, but here, my future hangs in the balance. Unfortunately, there are more than one things that could sway the direction I must go.
Not knowing how these pieces will fall constantly threatens to stress and overwhelm me. I keep re-trusting God with the particulars, but the worries keep popping up. It's like an emotional game of whack a mole. It used to be that they would pop up all the time, very unappreciated. For the most part, I have these worries under control.
However, today, something happened that sprang the game into full-force action. I missed a call from my husband's supervisor. The possibilities of what he was going to say seem to taunt me. Is he losing his job? Is my stuff on its way soon? Is he getting re-assigned? Is he going to jail? The possibilities seem endless, and, of course, when I tried to return the phone call, he wasn't available.
I wish there were a way to unplug the whack a mole game that plays in my mind and plays with my emotions. Unfortunately, I don't know how. I do know that God will provide no matter what, but my next steps depend so much on what is decided.
The best thing for me to do is trust and rest in God's amazing care, but I find myself worrying through each situation. My mind races through the possible endings, trying to ascertain my appropriate and most logical respond to each scenario. It's driving me a little crazy, but I don't know how to turn my mind off.
While not knowing may be the worst, trusting is certainly the most important. I am trying. I will certainly need to give it all to God again. He leads step by step, not year by year. I need to remember that just as He is supplying for my needs now, He will in the future as well. One step at a time.