Treasured

Yesterday, I posted about having had this desire to return to an abusive situation. I have a friend praying that my desire will change, at least until my husband gets his heart right. I honestly didn't know how I could change what I wanted. But, as always, God provides!

Every girl I knew growing up, including myself, looked forward to the day that she would be treasured forever more by the love of her life. I was desperately wishing I could be treasured today. That the man I married would love me more than any other girl in the world. That he would value me and treasure me. I felt vulnerable and lonely as my heart yearned for that which I did not receive. And then determination set in. I am not going to let that man back into my life until I am convinced he treasures me!

I got to thinking about how God treasures me, not for what I do, say, or how I look, but just because I'm His. Oh, to be treasured like that by a husband. To not be valued by appearances, actions, or words, but valued just for being me. Perhaps one day, I will know what that is.

I want to challenge those readers who are not yet married. Hold out for a man who will treat you right! So many girls fall for love rather than falling for a man. Wait until you know that he will treasure you, love you, and commit your marriage to God.

Remember that he's treating you best while you're dating. If he's not treating you well now, it's highly unlikely that he'll turn around with the addition of a wedding vow. In fact, I have never heard of that happening. If he's got a temper that comes close to snapping, walk away. You may think that you'll have it all under control. You think that the first time he hits you, you're gone! That's what I thought. It eventually got so bad that I went to the hospital for a suspected broken bone! And I still didn't leave! If you can see yourself needing to separate in the future so you don't get hurt, then you need to spare yourself the pain and never marry the man.

I say all this because you, my dear reader, are a woman who should be treasured. Don't settle for anything less. Marriage is to be a picture of Christ and the church. Find a man who will love you and demonstrate it in a godly fashion. No woman should have to live through abuse and the emotional turmoil of being married to a man who does not treasure her. Take a stand with me-- let us say together that we will not unite with a man unless he can treasure his girl! May we each get to live out those childhood dreams and know what it is to be treasured! May we settle for nothing less.

Determined

I've been away. There are reasons... excuses, really. I've felt overwhelmed with certain aspects, and I didn't want to be depressing. I was also throwing a pity party, and feeling somewhat alone. Finally, I was really missing my husband, and finding myself considering returning, despite the horrible history. I've read that it's normal for people in abusive situations to want to return. I've never understood that. Even now, I'm at a loss. Why would I seriously consider going back to a man that I left for my safety, and more importantly, for my daughter's safety!? The good thing is that whenever I thought of my daughter, I would decide all over again that I must keep her safe. And that requires distance.

I'm a perfectionist in a very bad sense. If I cannot accomplish something perfectly, then I don't feel that I should do it at all. That means, of course, that very few people actually know I'm a perfectionist, because there are so many unfinished projects that I put aside because of a few mistakes. This blog could have been one of those unfinished projects, but for people helping me realize that it's bigger than me.

A stranger left a comment thanking me for writing such a "nice and informative blog." I mulled over that for a while. I don't know that I really considered it informative except for the facts of my life. But as I look over the pages, I realize that maybe I'm reaching more people than I realized. Another stranger emailed me and told me that she found my story heartwarming, and shared some personal struggles along with some encouragement. That's when I knew that I couldn't just quit. This isn't a cross-stitch project that won't matter if it's completed or not. This is me affecting people beyond my regular influence. This is my story of struggle, hope, humility, faith, and even desperation reaching out and touching people, helping them realize that they are not alone.

I am determined to not allow my lazy perfectionism get the best of me! Rather, I am determined to pursue this blog until... well, I don't know when. Until I have no more readers, maybe? But at the very least, I won't quit now! May you find a blessing here, and if you do, consider reaching out to me. It's a real encouragement!

Friends who say hello

Life can be a lonely journey. I wonder how often we go through a day and think about a friend we have not talked to since___. I know for myself, it happens quite a bit, especially during this lonely stretch of my life. That is why I am so blessed to have friends who reach out and say hello. I am challenging myself to be the kind of friend who says hello!

I think it's time I stop merely thinking of these people from days and even years past, and actually do my best to reach out to them! I know that it will be a blessing to me, and beyond that, I believe it is one of the few ways I can reach out in my current circumstances and be a blessing to someone else. It doesn't cost anything but time to say hello, and right now, time is one of those precious commodities I actually have to spare.

My hope is that as others read this, they will determine to change as well, and challenge themselves to be a friend who says hello! I read a poem years ago that I must share here!

Smiling Is InfectiousAuthor Unknown

Smiling is infectious,
you catch it like the flu,
When someone smiled at me today,
I started smiling too.

I passed around the corner
and someone saw my grin.
When he smiled I realized
I'd passed it on to him.

I thought about that smile,
then I realized its worth.
A single smile, just like mine
could travel round the earth.

So, if you feel a smile begin,
don't leave it undetected.
Let's start an epidemic quick,
and get the world infected!

This is my goal for the rest of April, just to share the joy that comes with serving God! I hope every reader has days filled with friendly calls and emails! As you read this, consider it a friendly hello from me to you, and pass it on to someone new.

God provides!

I have been praying so hard that God would provide some things, and on the top of that list was a car. I was pleading for God to provide a car! I had access to my parent's cars when they were available, but I had already had to turn away income opportunities because there was no available car. Beyond the necessities, it really is nice to go where you want to go when you want to go there. I finally have that flexibility. God does provide, sometimes from the least expected places.

My husband mentioned to me one day that he would like to buy me a car. I turned him down. He asked if he got approved for the credit, could he move forward with it? Well... ok. A couple friends talked me into it. It is wonderful having wise and godly friends!

I spent all day yesterday at the dealership. I had seen a car online that I wanted. It was a fantastic deal, and I was excited. As I drove it down the road, it just felt like my car. It was made for me. We returned to the dealer, and the man told me how much the monthly payments would be for a car that was $22,000. I sat in shock. That was not my car! My car was considerably cheaper! I showed them the car I had seen online, and my dealer got the manager. I felt very much like they had pulled a bait and switch. I was not happy. After a long talk, he decided to give me an amazing deal.

I am now driving a brand new car that cost much less than the used car I test drove. That means I have a full warranty, so if anything breaks on the car while I'm counting pennies in the next few years, it's all covered. Bumper to bumper warranty.

Wait! Did I really just write that paragraph??? I cannot believe how this turned out. All I can do is look to God in wonder and adoration. Is this how much my God cares for me?

I now look very differently at the list of needs I have saved on my computer. They used to overwhelm me. They now excite me! Is there anything too hard for the Lord? I dare say there is not.

I needed a special blessing. Things have been interesting to say the least. I now daily drive the gift of His grace. While my hands hold the steering wheel in the car, I have determined to let God sit in the driver's seat of my life. Obviously, He knows my needs better than I do. Obviously, I serve a God who cares for me to bless me above and beyond anything I can imagine. Praise be to the God who cares to provide again and again.

Ephesians 3:14-21

I'm not forgotten

I am overwhelmed with how absolutely wonderful everyone is! When I feel all alone, it seems that God puts in on people's hearts to really be praying for me. What a blessing!

After my last blog post, I had several people reach out to me and tell me that they were praying. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Your prayers are powerful!

I do so appreciate every gift that is given me, whether it be a prayer, an email, phone call, or other communication, some diapers, some coupons, or just a quick thought wondering how I'm doing. Honestly, things are going alright, but I am on the emotional rollercoaster of a lifetime.

There are days and times that I feel on top of the world, mostly because I know that I'm not forgotten. There are other days when I would give almost anything to be able to go back in time and change my husband. Although, that's a ridiculous thought. I left because I couldn't change him, and he wasn't changing himself. So, going back to try to do what was already attempted would be futile. Still, I find myself wishing things could have been different. He tells me that he is now working on changing. Unfortunately, I've heard that all before, but I cannot tell you the way he pulls on my heart strings. After everything, I still love him. I wish we could stay together, but the safety of myself and my daughter are just too important. I leave out of necessity.

My biggest prayer at this point is that it will be an uncontested divorce. I really don't want to battle things out in court. He says he thinks we can agree on everything, but I'm not so sure. Please pray that this won't be more heartbreaking than it already has been.

As these and so many other thoughts barge in and interrupt my day, my day is also interrupted by friendly reminders that I am not forgotten. I am not going through this on an island in the middle of no where. I am not alone. That really helps to battle the blues.

I need to conclude with saying a big thank you one last time.

THANK YOU!!!

Oops. Life got busy.

So... I have not written in quite some time. I am encouraged to see that I have faithful readers. I'll let you know what's been happening.

I have a tutoring job! It's 3 lessons each week, and I receive $20 per lesson. That makes it close to $300/month! With the freelance writing, I also receive $75 each month. Finally, a school contacted me about substitute teaching, and they will pay $75 each day! Unfortunately, the car situation is getting tougher. There was supposed to be a car available at all times, and I was told I would be free to use it, but circumstances beyond anyone's control caused the availability of a car to be somewhat less available.

I have determined to view this as a blessing. The city I live in now is considered one of the most dangerous in this region. If I am unable to really establish roots in this city, then I won't be tempted to stay. I will be a single mom with a daughter, and I want to live in an area where I feel confident that people won't take advantage of the situation. If you know of a safe and inexpensive neighborhood in the Southeast, I'm all ears!

I have been considering asking the local church if they have a car I can borrow until mine gets here, which could be as late as September. Some have asked why I can't drive it, but there is a big body of water in the way. It's just not possible. Hmm... perhaps I'll have a "your questions answered" session.

There have been some wonderful things that happened! I received my first "baby kisses" the other day. My daughter is such a cutie! I just melt as she presses her slobbery lips against my cheek. She hasn't figured out that her lips are supposed to be closed, but that's part of the cuteness factor!

We're battling a diaper rash and she's getting closer and closer to teething. I keep thinking that they're gonna pop through any day now, but they're still little bumps of gum. I will let you know when they do finally pop through.

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your prayers, and how blessed I am to be a part of the family of God. Thanks for sticking with me through this. I need lotsa support and I appreciate every one of you. May God bless you for your time, prayers, and thoughtfulness.