Today, I had a huge meltdown. It was not pretty. I was sitting in my room when my mom came in and noticed multiple ants climbing on the wall and on my bed. Not cool. We began working on taking care of the problem, and I tried so hard to veil the tears in my eyes. Naturally, a mother knows, and she asked me what was wrong.
What was wrong was that I had done nothing to deserve the ants swarming my room. I hadn't eaten in there, so the ant problem was there in spite of my best efforts to maintain a bug-free room. It seems that my best efforts just don't matter. I tried to get my husband into counseling for years. Here I am facing a divorce to keep us safe. I try and try to gain weight, but just one skipped meal means my weight falls even farther. I know some of you are thinking that I'm lucky, but I assure you that I do not enjoy this weight issue. Then, on top of everything else, my student I had been tutoring cancelled because he needs to re-take kindergarten. Despite my best efforts, my world is falling apart.
My mom held me, told me the ants weren't my fault, and that she knows I've been doing my best. It felt so good to just sob in her arms. After everything was all cleaned up, and my room was fairly bug free, my mom and I went out for a very late lunch and then went grocery shopping together.
During my sobbing, I told my mom that it just wasn't fair, and I just shouldn't try any more, because it's all going to fall apart anyway. Of course, that was me giving in to the self-pity. I can only imagine how bad each of these situations could have been if I had not given my best effort.
I am now putting my best effort towards maintaining a positive attitude. I hope it works better than the other things in my life.Perhaps I should stop relying on my own strength to get things done. In fact, a couple verses come to mind. It's neat how verses like these work so well together.
Heb. 10:36: "For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise." It is incredibly difficult to have patience in these circumstances. Years ago, I was telling God that He couldn't expect me to have patience through something so difficult, yet His Word said I needed it. Immediately, another verse flooded my mind. "But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:19)
Looking back at that difficult time, I can see that God did provide the patience I needed. He also filled every other need that I had, even some of those that I thought were insignificant. It is incredible to look back and see how God has provided. It makes it much easier to wait on the Lord. He is faithful. I should be, too.