I'm not sure exactly why the anger ruled in my heart for the last week or so. I was truly getting concerned. Unfortunately, I spewed my anger towards innocents in my path before finally the storm finally broke.
The wonderful church I've found is filled with people who care. So many have been ready and willing to open their arms to me and help me through. It's been truly amazing. So, why is it that my anger spills at the place I can call home? I found myself angry over a trifling matter in Sunday school, and I made sure the person knew it. I owe him a deep apology the next time I see him.
After church, I sat outside by my car. It was several minutes since the doors closed, so I let the storm break and cried in apparent solitude. I am so alone. I have so many choices to make, and no one to help bear that burden. I sobbed as I sat, wishing for a hug, but having no one to share one with. It was then that an older lady pulled into the spot by my car. She had lost her husband three years ago, and came to visit the grave. She said she still wasn't used to being alone. We both cried for awhile, and then we shared a much-needed hug before she left to take lunch to someone recovering from surgery. Some people minister through their grief. I must learn to do that. It's much better than lashing out.
As she left, I found more tears pouring down my cheeks. If God was with me to provide a hug when no one was around, will He not provide a job, child care for my daughter, a better doctor, safety for our little family, a home, and the comfort I need when the pain is too much? Surely the God who cares enough to send a hug also cares enough to meet every other need, however impossible they may seem.
As I consider everything, I think a big part of my anger was rooted in stress. So much on my little shoulders. So much weight to bear! I am so glad that He cares to send a simple hug when I need it. I must trust that He will provide every other necessity.
I pray that He will now provide the wisdom to mend the wounded relationships, and give me the wisdom to restrain myself from taking my anger out on others in the future. Oh, that I not become a bitter old hag before I turn 30! I need to bear my burdens with grace. No, I cannot do that. They are too weighty. I must cast my cares upon Jesus, let Him bear my burdens, and follow Him for my own sake, the sake of my daughter, and the sake of the poor people who would otherwise be casualties as my anger strikes.
I may be going through a lot, but God has promised to never forsake me. I was considering that last week, and the thought provided little comfort. I really just wanted a hug. Turns out that my God can supply that as well. He really will supply my every need. I rest in His care.