Friday, May 24, 2013

Angry all over again

Sometimes, like right now, a smoldering fury swells within me as I think about what has occurred at my husband's hand. The thought of the pain, heartache, and fear he placed upon those I love makes my blood boil.

I know I need to forgive him, so I've tried to talk things out with him. He still makes excuses, telling me that it's ok that he was tempted to rape my sister, because nothing actually happened, telling me that peeping on someone doesn't hurt them, because they don't know he's there. Telling me that his comments about my daughter were innocent. As I hear him defend his indefensible actions, I get angry all over again.

I don't think I can ever trust him again, and I only wish there were a way to put him on the sex offender registry. I fear that he will do something horrible to someone else in the future unless he finally takes responsibility for his actions. I just don't see that happening based on his actions in the past.

Beyond that, I am now angry at the pediatrician we left. I cannot believe that she would treat me with such disrespect. She's violated my trust, and I feel so furious that I truly hope I do not see her on the street. I know I would have at least a few choice words for her, and I am far too angry right now to be able to address her.

I've had a hard time trusting doctors, and the distrust just seems to be validated around every turn. There have been doctors that I have trusted in the past. Those that are willing to talk to me, listen to me, and let me have a say in my own care make me feel safe. There are doctors who infuriate me, like this most recent doctor. They treat me like I don't know anything, and go behind my back to do what they deem best despite my plainly stated desires.

It used to frustrate me when they were my doctors. Now, as they go against my express desires for the safety of my daughter, I become absolutely infuriated!

Unfortunately, my husband and the doctor are not the only sources of my anger. It seems that anger begets anger, and I am increasingly concerned about the state of my heart. I told a friend that I was concerned, because I had so much anger in my heart. She said it was understandable, and I suppose that I have gone through a lot to be angry about. Yet, I cannot say that because it is understandable, it is right. I am hurting myself more than anyone else.

I really need to work through my anger, let it go, forgive, and move past things. It will take God's power to do so. Please pray that His grace will lead me through. I do not believe I can forgive these offenses without His power. Forgiveness is not easy, but it is necessary.

1 comment:

  1. Sounds like you need a punching bag! I am so sorry that you have to go through so much. I agree, and you might even ask a lawyer if there is a way to have you husband listed as a sex offender for the things he has done. I will continue to pray for you and your daughter. I will also pray that God helps you release your anger a healthy way. I know there is not much you can do to control your situation. Just remember to take time out for you to relax and unwind. Stress isn't good on anyone's body.
    This link is to a song that has helped me so much when forgiveness seemed impossible! I hope it helps you too!