I have been in bed for almost 4 hours. I am exhausted. My eyes are heavy, and I keep trying to will myself to that blissful state that science has yet to fully explain. I so want to be asleep. Each time I get close to sleep, more worry-filled thoughts flood my mind.
The time is drawing near for me to finally file for a divorce and change the rest of my life. I just hope the change is for the better. I am so afraid that something will go wrong in the custody trial. I am terrified of sharing my daughter with a dangerous man.
I dream of a life free from the man who has filled my heart with fear and dread so many times over. I pray for the opportunity to raise my child apart from such a life. I have such expectations of peaceful days filled with laughter and singing. Think I'm romanticizing it all a bit much? Yeah, so do I.
At night, my mind takes to imagining the worst case scenarios. No wonder I can't sleep. These worst case scenarios plague me with questions if such things are really possible. There's one place I can turn for answers any time day or night. I reach over my Bible for my laptop. It fills the room with light, but my heart is still kept in shadows of fear. Google to the rescue... or not.
Do you know that Google is one dangerous place to turn if you're worried? Tonight, Google told me that if I move after being granted custody, I may incur criminal charges. Does that mean I can't even move to a different county? There goes my "pick a state" idea.
But I've been fooled by Google before. In fact, a lawyer straightened me up on all sorts of things. You'd think that the knowledge that Google may or may not be trustworthy would ease my worry. Instead, my mind started racing in every direction, attempting to find a solution to every possible problem. If I can move counties, but not out of the state, where would I go? If I cannot move counties even, do I want to file for a divorce in this county? If... If... If...
sigh. I'm tired. I keep trying to press "control, alt delete" in my brain and manually shut down these windows through task manager. It's all to no avail. My mind is spinning its wheels, revving its engine, and taking me nowhere fast.
Meanwhile, there is absolutely nothing I can do tonight to resolve these issues. I know that, and I keep begging my mind to stop thinking about it. My brain continues on as though it has a mind of its own, and I am left helplessly trying to get to sleep. Sleep alludes me. If this is how the rest of my summer is going to go, then I think I need to find a way to get caffeine through an IV.