When I left my abusive husband in December, I knew I couldn't file for a divorce for 6 months. At first, time dragged on, and it seemed that I would be stuck in this transitory state forever. I got my tutoring job, and time picked up its speed. Suddenly, weeks were going by in rapid succession. I tutored for just over a month before it was cancelled. I cannot believe I began tutoring that student at the beginning of April. A whole month was swallowed in productivity.
The amazing thing is that I wasn't even doing that much. I was just tutoring three days each week. Just that little bit of scheduling sped time on. I was venting frustrations to a friend, and she pointed out that I've already made it 4 months. Would you believe I actually had to check the calendar? Four months!? No way!! Sure enough, I already have 4 months under my belt. In just 2 months, I can file and no longer be yoked to an abusive man. I will no longer fear for my daughter's safety.
I was concerned that now that I no longer have tutoring, time would go back to slowly marching. As I considered how my productivity affected the passing of time, I determined to fill my weeks with a reliable schedule.
My hope is that by filling my week with reliable, productive events, I can artificially create the productive passing of time.
So far, I am planning a day for shopping, a day for cleaning, Sunday and Wednesday are church, and maybe I can go over to a friend's house once each week. There's also a Bible study I can attend on Tuesdays. Beyond that, I intend to write for an hour every day, and reach out to one person each day about my tutoring.
I hope that very soon I will see that it is time to free myself from the fear of pain from the hands of one who is supposed to love me. It feels that it is too far away to comprehend, but maybe soon someone will remind me that it's just around the corner. Soon, my pain will be behind me, and a life of peace will be waiting. I intend to make it seem sooner.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Be still and know
Life as a young mother is busy. Yet as filled as my days are, my mind seems doubly filled with plans, worries, schedules, thoughts, and so much more! It's hard to just be. My daughter reminded me today of just how important that is.
My daughter is just learning to crawl. She is fascinated with her surroundings, as though she's seeing everything for the first time. She wants to touch everything, and, of course, whatever she touches must go in her mouth. She was very busy today, and reminded me of a bee as she went from one thing to another to another. She never settled on one thing for very long.
As I watched her, it dawned on me that my days are filled with very much the same thing. My mind flits from one thing to another, never settling long enough to really solve anything. Rather than resolving to change, my mind jumped some more, and I was soon consumed with probably a dozen different thoughts. I was concerned about the present, mulling over the future, and attempting to puzzle it all out so that it would all work.
While my mind had all gears turning, my daughter began to fuss. I picked her up and set her in my lap. She is at the age where she almost never sits still. This was an exception. She just sat on my lap for almost an hour! I'm ashamed to admit that for the first while, my mind continued to run full speed on multiple tracks. However, my daughter frequently came up, no matter which track my mind pursued. Every time I considered her, I was overwhelmed with how wonderful it felt to have her sit in my arms. I grew increasingly astounded and touched as she sat.
Eventually, I was more consumed with the treasure of holding my daughter than anything else. I looked at my little girl, and the engine in my brain slowed down. The steam ceased, and I just sat, enjoying the moment. That was a special moment, indeed. My daughter and I, just sitting and enjoying each others' company.
There have been many times when I've learned a lesson from my daughter. This was one of those examples. As she sat quietly in my lap, I thought of Mary and Martha, and how our Lord valued the time Mary spent sitting at His feet more than all the efforts of Martha to get things done. I was instantly convicted. Honestly, I haven't been sitting before God like I should. It occurred to me as I sat just holding my darling daughter that God wants the same thing of me. I treasured the time with my daughter, and I need to do the same with my God.
I need to set aside my thoughts, worries, plans, and possibilities, and just learn of God. I need to be still and know that He is God. It will only be then that I can put everything in proper perspective.
I was looking for a song by Soundforth, but found these instead:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVk9J2BvJG8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLb5SEVMTaA
My daughter is just learning to crawl. She is fascinated with her surroundings, as though she's seeing everything for the first time. She wants to touch everything, and, of course, whatever she touches must go in her mouth. She was very busy today, and reminded me of a bee as she went from one thing to another to another. She never settled on one thing for very long.
As I watched her, it dawned on me that my days are filled with very much the same thing. My mind flits from one thing to another, never settling long enough to really solve anything. Rather than resolving to change, my mind jumped some more, and I was soon consumed with probably a dozen different thoughts. I was concerned about the present, mulling over the future, and attempting to puzzle it all out so that it would all work.
While my mind had all gears turning, my daughter began to fuss. I picked her up and set her in my lap. She is at the age where she almost never sits still. This was an exception. She just sat on my lap for almost an hour! I'm ashamed to admit that for the first while, my mind continued to run full speed on multiple tracks. However, my daughter frequently came up, no matter which track my mind pursued. Every time I considered her, I was overwhelmed with how wonderful it felt to have her sit in my arms. I grew increasingly astounded and touched as she sat.
Eventually, I was more consumed with the treasure of holding my daughter than anything else. I looked at my little girl, and the engine in my brain slowed down. The steam ceased, and I just sat, enjoying the moment. That was a special moment, indeed. My daughter and I, just sitting and enjoying each others' company.
There have been many times when I've learned a lesson from my daughter. This was one of those examples. As she sat quietly in my lap, I thought of Mary and Martha, and how our Lord valued the time Mary spent sitting at His feet more than all the efforts of Martha to get things done. I was instantly convicted. Honestly, I haven't been sitting before God like I should. It occurred to me as I sat just holding my darling daughter that God wants the same thing of me. I treasured the time with my daughter, and I need to do the same with my God.
I need to set aside my thoughts, worries, plans, and possibilities, and just learn of God. I need to be still and know that He is God. It will only be then that I can put everything in proper perspective.
I was looking for a song by Soundforth, but found these instead:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVk9J2BvJG8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLb5SEVMTaA
Monday, May 6, 2013
Meltdowns turned to faith
Today, I had a huge meltdown. It was not pretty. I was sitting in my room when my mom came in and noticed multiple ants climbing on the wall and on my bed. Not cool. We began working on taking care of the problem, and I tried so hard to veil the tears in my eyes. Naturally, a mother knows, and she asked me what was wrong.
What was wrong was that I had done nothing to deserve the ants swarming my room. I hadn't eaten in there, so the ant problem was there in spite of my best efforts to maintain a bug-free room. It seems that my best efforts just don't matter. I tried to get my husband into counseling for years. Here I am facing a divorce to keep us safe. I try and try to gain weight, but just one skipped meal means my weight falls even farther. I know some of you are thinking that I'm lucky, but I assure you that I do not enjoy this weight issue. Then, on top of everything else, my student I had been tutoring cancelled because he needs to re-take kindergarten. Despite my best efforts, my world is falling apart.
My mom held me, told me the ants weren't my fault, and that she knows I've been doing my best. It felt so good to just sob in her arms. After everything was all cleaned up, and my room was fairly bug free, my mom and I went out for a very late lunch and then went grocery shopping together.
During my sobbing, I told my mom that it just wasn't fair, and I just shouldn't try any more, because it's all going to fall apart anyway. Of course, that was me giving in to the self-pity. I can only imagine how bad each of these situations could have been if I had not given my best effort.
I am now putting my best effort towards maintaining a positive attitude. I hope it works better than the other things in my life.Perhaps I should stop relying on my own strength to get things done. In fact, a couple verses come to mind. It's neat how verses like these work so well together.
Heb. 10:36: "For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise." It is incredibly difficult to have patience in these circumstances. Years ago, I was telling God that He couldn't expect me to have patience through something so difficult, yet His Word said I needed it. Immediately, another verse flooded my mind. "But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:19)
Looking back at that difficult time, I can see that God did provide the patience I needed. He also filled every other need that I had, even some of those that I thought were insignificant. It is incredible to look back and see how God has provided. It makes it much easier to wait on the Lord. He is faithful. I should be, too.
What was wrong was that I had done nothing to deserve the ants swarming my room. I hadn't eaten in there, so the ant problem was there in spite of my best efforts to maintain a bug-free room. It seems that my best efforts just don't matter. I tried to get my husband into counseling for years. Here I am facing a divorce to keep us safe. I try and try to gain weight, but just one skipped meal means my weight falls even farther. I know some of you are thinking that I'm lucky, but I assure you that I do not enjoy this weight issue. Then, on top of everything else, my student I had been tutoring cancelled because he needs to re-take kindergarten. Despite my best efforts, my world is falling apart.
My mom held me, told me the ants weren't my fault, and that she knows I've been doing my best. It felt so good to just sob in her arms. After everything was all cleaned up, and my room was fairly bug free, my mom and I went out for a very late lunch and then went grocery shopping together.
During my sobbing, I told my mom that it just wasn't fair, and I just shouldn't try any more, because it's all going to fall apart anyway. Of course, that was me giving in to the self-pity. I can only imagine how bad each of these situations could have been if I had not given my best effort.
I am now putting my best effort towards maintaining a positive attitude. I hope it works better than the other things in my life.Perhaps I should stop relying on my own strength to get things done. In fact, a couple verses come to mind. It's neat how verses like these work so well together.
Heb. 10:36: "For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise." It is incredibly difficult to have patience in these circumstances. Years ago, I was telling God that He couldn't expect me to have patience through something so difficult, yet His Word said I needed it. Immediately, another verse flooded my mind. "But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:19)
Looking back at that difficult time, I can see that God did provide the patience I needed. He also filled every other need that I had, even some of those that I thought were insignificant. It is incredible to look back and see how God has provided. It makes it much easier to wait on the Lord. He is faithful. I should be, too.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
A home church
I mentioned a while ago that I was visiting a church. I am now officially a member. It is actually my favorite church that I have been in. Part of me wonders if it's because I'm going through such a hard time that my whole being craves the serenity, fellowship, and God-centered conversation that can be found at church.
Last week Sunday, I went to church, and got some spiritual refreshment. Things over the next few days were hard. On Monday, I found myself wishing that Sunday would come sooner to help relieve my pain, stress, and loneliness. On Tuesday, I very seriously considered driving to church and just sitting in the pew, but I thought for sure it was locked. On Wednesday, they have an evening service, but I tutor until 7, which is when the service begins. However, despite the fact that I would arrive at 7:40, I determined to go where my fellow Christians were.
It was my first time at a Wednesday night service, and I walked into the sanctuary, but all the pews were empty. The choir was seated in the front, and I sat and let their music soothe my heart. After they were done, I was told that the Wednesday night service is held in a smaller building. I've decided that even though church will be more than half way over, I need that middle of the week encouragement. I think it there were church every day, I'd be there right now.
There's something about gathering together with people who know the power of the Lord that helps to put my struggles and trials into perspective. My situation is more easily viewed in light of God's power, rather than the overwhelming circumstances and puzzles that I must push, plod, and work through throughout the week.
The really neat thing is that everyone has thrown their arms open wide, happily accepting me into the throng. I so need that! It's so good to belong somewhere right now when everything seems so transient and unstable.
I actually officially joined the church only last Sunday. On Wednesday, one of the ladies was holding my daughter, and telling me how delighted she was that I had joined the church. The whole while she was talking to me, she was making faces at my little one, causing her to smile and kick her legs with excitement. I smiled at the lady with a bit of mischief in my eyes, and accused her of being glad that I joined the church just so that my daughter would stick around. Everyone had a good laugh.
It really feels like home there, a place where I can relax, be comfortable, and let my fears and worries rest outside the doors. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am that Sunday is here again. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful church. It's home.
Last week Sunday, I went to church, and got some spiritual refreshment. Things over the next few days were hard. On Monday, I found myself wishing that Sunday would come sooner to help relieve my pain, stress, and loneliness. On Tuesday, I very seriously considered driving to church and just sitting in the pew, but I thought for sure it was locked. On Wednesday, they have an evening service, but I tutor until 7, which is when the service begins. However, despite the fact that I would arrive at 7:40, I determined to go where my fellow Christians were.
It was my first time at a Wednesday night service, and I walked into the sanctuary, but all the pews were empty. The choir was seated in the front, and I sat and let their music soothe my heart. After they were done, I was told that the Wednesday night service is held in a smaller building. I've decided that even though church will be more than half way over, I need that middle of the week encouragement. I think it there were church every day, I'd be there right now.
There's something about gathering together with people who know the power of the Lord that helps to put my struggles and trials into perspective. My situation is more easily viewed in light of God's power, rather than the overwhelming circumstances and puzzles that I must push, plod, and work through throughout the week.
The really neat thing is that everyone has thrown their arms open wide, happily accepting me into the throng. I so need that! It's so good to belong somewhere right now when everything seems so transient and unstable.
I actually officially joined the church only last Sunday. On Wednesday, one of the ladies was holding my daughter, and telling me how delighted she was that I had joined the church. The whole while she was talking to me, she was making faces at my little one, causing her to smile and kick her legs with excitement. I smiled at the lady with a bit of mischief in my eyes, and accused her of being glad that I joined the church just so that my daughter would stick around. Everyone had a good laugh.
It really feels like home there, a place where I can relax, be comfortable, and let my fears and worries rest outside the doors. I cannot tell you how thrilled I am that Sunday is here again. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful church. It's home.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Variety-- More than just a spice
I find that when I do the same thing day after day, I tend to feel alone, forlorn, and saddened. I have always been one who needed variety. A little bit here and a little bit there. A change of scenery, a different sort of food, and a change in my routine. I'm not the only one.
Today, I found a toy of my daughter's that had been lost for weeks. She had been demanding my attention for hours, and I needed a break. I found that toy, and gave it to her, and she has been happily playing with it for almost an hour. None of her other toys hold her attention for more than a few minutes at a time.
I think when we have something consistently before us, we forget to appreciate them for their full value. I often wonder how many things we fail to thank God for, just because we don't think of living without them! It's the epitome of taking things for granted.
For example, I doubt many of my readers have thanked God for the ability to stand, because it's one of those amazingly natural things that you just do without thinking. I wonder how much I see before I praise God for my vision. Perhaps variety is good not just for bringing new things to us, but for making us appreciate the things that are ever before us. It is late, and my daughter is crying, so I'm cutting this one very short. Have a great day!
Today, I found a toy of my daughter's that had been lost for weeks. She had been demanding my attention for hours, and I needed a break. I found that toy, and gave it to her, and she has been happily playing with it for almost an hour. None of her other toys hold her attention for more than a few minutes at a time.
I think when we have something consistently before us, we forget to appreciate them for their full value. I often wonder how many things we fail to thank God for, just because we don't think of living without them! It's the epitome of taking things for granted.
For example, I doubt many of my readers have thanked God for the ability to stand, because it's one of those amazingly natural things that you just do without thinking. I wonder how much I see before I praise God for my vision. Perhaps variety is good not just for bringing new things to us, but for making us appreciate the things that are ever before us. It is late, and my daughter is crying, so I'm cutting this one very short. Have a great day!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Forgiveness
There is great truth that having a root of bitterness will only cause you pain. But does forgiving mean forgetting? I definitely do not think so. In my situation, that would mean forgetting all the evil that has been done to me and walking blindly back into a dangerous situation. I believe that in order to act wisely, we must remember some things, lest we see our own history repeated again and again.
Is it possible to achieve a balance of forgiving, yet remembering? I dare say it is, though I'm still working on forgiving. Today, I quoted lots of scripture. "Charity suffereth long and is kind" was audibly repeated over and over. Then, as I began feeling that it wasn't fair that judgement wasn't meted out, I remembered this blessed truth: "Vengeance is mine, and I will repay, saith the Lord."
Then, as I went about doing this and that in charity, I would snuff out the root of bitterness with the knowledge that my God will judge as He deems fit. I hope that one day, I won't have to battle with myself to let it go. At that point, I believe I will have reached forgiveness. At that point, I will be able to make wise decisions without grudges and revenge guiding my thoughts.
It has dawned on me that just as God will judge that which has been done to me, if I do something in return, I'll be judged as well! It reminds me of two little kids fighting. We'll call them Freddy and Carl. Freddy hits Carl, and Carl hits Freddy back. Does it stop there? Not normally! They go on fighting, and it escalates until one of them has finally had enough or someone else intervenes. When an adult does get involved, they both get punished. Whereas, if Carl had just walked away, he would have been blameless.
Oh, to stand blameless before God! This is my ultimate goal, and the greatest reason I must forgive. I must rise above, rather than stooping to a lower level. I must climb ever higher, and let God fend off those who would hurt me. And that's just the point. As I do what God has told me to, He will protect me and guide me safely on. He will mete out judgement as He sees fit. I need only look to Him and press on.
Is it possible to achieve a balance of forgiving, yet remembering? I dare say it is, though I'm still working on forgiving. Today, I quoted lots of scripture. "Charity suffereth long and is kind" was audibly repeated over and over. Then, as I began feeling that it wasn't fair that judgement wasn't meted out, I remembered this blessed truth: "Vengeance is mine, and I will repay, saith the Lord."
Then, as I went about doing this and that in charity, I would snuff out the root of bitterness with the knowledge that my God will judge as He deems fit. I hope that one day, I won't have to battle with myself to let it go. At that point, I believe I will have reached forgiveness. At that point, I will be able to make wise decisions without grudges and revenge guiding my thoughts.
It has dawned on me that just as God will judge that which has been done to me, if I do something in return, I'll be judged as well! It reminds me of two little kids fighting. We'll call them Freddy and Carl. Freddy hits Carl, and Carl hits Freddy back. Does it stop there? Not normally! They go on fighting, and it escalates until one of them has finally had enough or someone else intervenes. When an adult does get involved, they both get punished. Whereas, if Carl had just walked away, he would have been blameless.
Oh, to stand blameless before God! This is my ultimate goal, and the greatest reason I must forgive. I must rise above, rather than stooping to a lower level. I must climb ever higher, and let God fend off those who would hurt me. And that's just the point. As I do what God has told me to, He will protect me and guide me safely on. He will mete out judgement as He sees fit. I need only look to Him and press on.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Praying for the impossible
My dear readers,
Today, my heart is filled with hope in miracles, because I serve a God who cares deeply for even the smallest pieces of my life. If you have been following my blog, you know that I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, or POTS. This syndrome was only discovered in the last few decades, though some speculate that it's existed for centuries. It's a dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system, or the part of the nervous system that controls all those things that you don't have to think about. The eyes adjust themselves, your heart beats without command, and you have been breathing all day, though you likely gave it little thought. The body is filled with all sorts of these automatic functions, only mine is filled with automatic dysfunctions. Because it's all supposed to work by itself, doctors and scientists really don't know how the autonomic nervous system works, leaving them with no idea what to look for where that could be causing the problems. If they don't know the cause of the problem, they can hardly hope to cure it!
This syndrome at one point had me bedridden. Any time I stood, I would pass out. God has been gracious, and you would never guess that today, but it still makes my life challenging. I have a difficult time thinking of a job that will allow for everything I would need. I have difficulty finding a home for my daughter and I that doesn't have stairs. I fear the day my health would fall apart, leaving me bedridden again. It is unpredictable and menacing. The thing I crave the most is for this to pass, and my body to be whole again. Doctors and physicians offer no hope.
The great news is that there is a Great Physician! He is able to mend that which is broken, even though we don't know what it is. He is able to heal my body forever, so that I never have a relapse! Oh, to be able to climb stairs, lift my hands above my hands, jump up and down for joy, and sing while standing!!!! Oh, to be able to walk evenly, think clearly, and know that my tomorrows are secure.
Here is my request: Pray with me! Please take this before our God and plead for my full recovery! Pray that I be fully healed, and pray that I will know it! I am asking a lot here, but pray for this every day until I post a praise that it has been done! My God is greater than these shackles I wear! He can delivery me, and He alone! Let us go to Him often, beseeching His loving kindness.
I look forward to posting that God has answered our prayers. May it be soon!
Today, my heart is filled with hope in miracles, because I serve a God who cares deeply for even the smallest pieces of my life. If you have been following my blog, you know that I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, or POTS. This syndrome was only discovered in the last few decades, though some speculate that it's existed for centuries. It's a dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system, or the part of the nervous system that controls all those things that you don't have to think about. The eyes adjust themselves, your heart beats without command, and you have been breathing all day, though you likely gave it little thought. The body is filled with all sorts of these automatic functions, only mine is filled with automatic dysfunctions. Because it's all supposed to work by itself, doctors and scientists really don't know how the autonomic nervous system works, leaving them with no idea what to look for where that could be causing the problems. If they don't know the cause of the problem, they can hardly hope to cure it!
This syndrome at one point had me bedridden. Any time I stood, I would pass out. God has been gracious, and you would never guess that today, but it still makes my life challenging. I have a difficult time thinking of a job that will allow for everything I would need. I have difficulty finding a home for my daughter and I that doesn't have stairs. I fear the day my health would fall apart, leaving me bedridden again. It is unpredictable and menacing. The thing I crave the most is for this to pass, and my body to be whole again. Doctors and physicians offer no hope.
The great news is that there is a Great Physician! He is able to mend that which is broken, even though we don't know what it is. He is able to heal my body forever, so that I never have a relapse! Oh, to be able to climb stairs, lift my hands above my hands, jump up and down for joy, and sing while standing!!!! Oh, to be able to walk evenly, think clearly, and know that my tomorrows are secure.
Here is my request: Pray with me! Please take this before our God and plead for my full recovery! Pray that I be fully healed, and pray that I will know it! I am asking a lot here, but pray for this every day until I post a praise that it has been done! My God is greater than these shackles I wear! He can delivery me, and He alone! Let us go to Him often, beseeching His loving kindness.
I look forward to posting that God has answered our prayers. May it be soon!
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